Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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