I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
