Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
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I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
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I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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