I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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