here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
