My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
