I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
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She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
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Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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