i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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