im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Houston, we have a blender
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
