Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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