You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
