I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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