Nicole vs. Life
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
