My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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