We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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