my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
