My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
