So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
