that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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