i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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