so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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