He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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