could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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