she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
