my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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