i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
