I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
