i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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