i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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