i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
