so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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