If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
What drink are we having for lunch?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
