she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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