Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
A bitchslap is in order.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
