there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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