dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
