I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
