She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
