FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
