do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
