First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
