if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
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Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
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I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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