my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
