So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
