Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
