Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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