Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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