I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
