My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
