just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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