I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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