so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
