im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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