my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
