Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
