Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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